Myth of Manhood: Chapter One, Price Others Have Paid

I would ask those of you that are reading this to think back to 1998 for a minute. What was life like for you at that time? Where were you working? Who were you dating/spending time with? What music were you listening to?

I will not bore you with all the details of my life at that time. The only thing Truth will say is it was not a happy period in my life. With that said, Hip-Hop/Rap music was all that I listened to for the most part. Two artist I was a big fan of were DMX and Big Pun. I thought (along with many others) that these men were talented. To go along with that, I believed at the time they had an ideal lifestyle. Looking at the images that were displayed in their videos and admiration they got from the opposite sex, it seemed to me these guys had it all.

Okay, maybe these two didn't appear to have it all on second thought. I mean Big Pun weighed close to 700 pounds and DMX seemed like he was just a tab bit off his rocker. Yet, they were still extremely popular at the time.

Looking back on it now, I certainly thought they had a better life than me. The money, the women (although both were married at the time, it didn't seem to stop DMX from messing around with other ladies),the cars , etc. They had everything a man could want.

Although, had people been able to take a more in depth look at these men's lives, we would have seen the opposite of ideal: chaos.

I watched this show "E! True Hollywood": Rapper Wives on the E! Channel recently. DMX and Big Pun's wives (Tashera Simmons and Liza Rios) are the envy of no clear thinking woman. Tashera Simmons reveled that X-man was physically, psychologically and emotionally abused as a child. DMX's behavioral issues (allegedly he's Bi polar) and run — Ins with the law have been well documented. Not only does DMX have a mental health disorder but he also is reportedly chemically dependent. There is no doubt DMX has been hazardous to himself. Believe it or not, DMX's family has suffered more so by his reckless behavior and being consistently absent from their lives.

Big Pun's story is even more disturbing. He terrorized his wife from the beginning of their relationship. Liza Rios made a vague reference to Big Pun dealing with issues as a child. The fact that Ms. Rios wasn't specific as Mrs. Simmons leads us to only wonder what happened to him.

I say that because what Big Pun reportedly acted out on his wife and children is scary. They allegedly couldn't talk without his approval. The physical abuse that Ms. Rios suffered was equivalent to what Tina Turner endured. At one point during the "Rapper Wives" program, a home video of the abuse was shown. I'm assuming it's a hidden video camera that Ms. Rios set up. It shows Big Pun walk over to her while she's sitting on a living room couch. Pun had a gun in his hand and slaps Ms. Rios with it full blast in the face. It seemed to happen with absolutely no provocation besides him just feeling like hitting her. The foul thing is that no other family member in the video did anything. They were so acusstommed to this occurring that nobody even seemed to blink twice. Needless to say, it was some disturbing shit to watch.

Much of what I saw in Big Pun's and DMX's lives was tragic but what kept messing with my head is that I used to admire these guys. As I think about it now, this servers as a good lesson for us men. We complain when the DMX's and Big Pun's get the beautiful girls. Some of us may switch up our own behavior patterns to make it similar to men we admire, thinking this is the way to success. We ignore our own blessings, talents and gifts for a preference of someone else's. We do all this not knowing the price that someone else has paid.

The price that DMX and Big Pun paid is steep. Not only did Big Pun die as result of him not dealing with his obvious mental health issues (he died in 2000 from heart attack due to being morbidly obese), his family has suffered since his death. According to Ms. Rios her family is broke and homeless due to receiving only a small royalty payment from Pun's last album.

Mrs. Simmons has made off a lot better financially than Ms. Rios and has no reported physical abuse from X. But the emotional suffering is another story. DMX claimed he was raped by a woman which produced a child in 2006. I'm not going to entertain whether DMX is telling the truth or not, you can come to your own conclusion.

Let this serve as a teachable moment for us all. Instead of trying to keep up with everyone else, we should focus on the blessings, talents and gifts we have. Accept the fact that we cannot all be the center of attention. There will always be those who write, sing, dance or whatever better than us. That doesn't mean we change who and what we are. If anything, we should use it as motivation to become the best we can be.

One should be careful of coveting what someone else has achieved. Especially, when you have no idea the price they paid to achieve it.

Bringing Truth to Light

This is my first post in over three months, so bare with me as I try to get back into the swing of things.

During my time off I reflected on blogging and questioned whether it was worthwhile to continue. To answer the question about whether I should continue or not, I thought about my initial reasons why I started on this adventure in writing almost two years ago.

My initial reason to start blogging was my belief that I had something valuable to say. The second reason was financial. I was hoping to make some money on the side that would help justify to my wife why I spent so much time writing posts on the internet.

After ninety-eight posts and not one penny earned, I started to wonder how much longer I should continue to blog?

The answer I came to was there is a little bit more blogging left in my tank. Yet, to sustain the motivation I have left requires me to switch the reasons why I blog. Like I already stated, the reasons why I started writing posts on the "Enclave" was all about me. My opinions, My finances, My beliefs, My values and so on. Now I find it truly more inspiring to focus on what's holding us back as a group of men. The themes I'll be exploring are not exclusive to just black american men. They are human issues that affect every man and woman on earth.

Ultimately, I would like to dialog respectfully with individuals I agree and disagree with. It servers no purpose to argue and make pejorative statements about people who have different opinions than mine. As long as we all remember the golden rule: Due unto others as one would want done to themselves, then we can truly exchange ideas and learn from one another.

As reggae/hip-hop/rock artist Matisyahu states, " Time will continue without you so in the end it's not about you But what did you do? Who do you love besides you."

In the end, hopefully they can say I brought truth to light. That is the only goal I have for blogging and hopefully it will be enough.

Gone till November.

For those of you who are still periodically checking out the Enclave, I've obviously been away for almost two months.  My schedule is hectic right now, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I take blogging seriously, so I didn't want to write a bunch of half ass posts just to stay consistent.   I thought it would be better to walk away and come back stronger in the fall.  

My goal for the fall is to come harder than ever with the Truth!  

Hang in there just a little while longer, I promise "I'll be back!"

Dealing with the inevitable: Part 2

As human beings, were social creatures.  Without social interaction, we wouldn't be able to survive.  It's been generation after generation of human beings passing on knowledge to one another, that has allowed our species to become the dominant one on earth.

Yet, some human beings don't pass on the best traits.  This usually occurs due to an unfortunate combination of genetics and environment, which causes humans to develop maladaptive traits. This leads to all type of behaviors that generally make life harder for themselves and the people around them.

Some behaviors are worst than others, but there seems to be a significant part of the population that thrives on making other folk miserable.  It sometimes can be so called friends, family, classmates or strangers but whatever their title, the ill behavior is the same.  

Don't get me wrong though, we all have our own issues.  But it's the way we handle these issues that separates us from being respectable or a nuisance.  Once people get past a certain age, the chances of them changing begin to decrease.  They may not even necessarily like the way they behave, but changing would be too difficult.  So, folk generally take the path of least resistance and continue on being for a lack of a better word, "Assholes."

Now the question becomes, how do we deal with the "Assholes" in our lives?  Funny thing about people is, we sometimes take on the behaviors of folk closest to us.  People who are negative and unhappy generally infect folk that their close to with the same disease.  After being around them day after day, year after year, you begin to look at life in similar ways.  Now the behaviors you used to despise in them, become apart of your personality.  

Think about it, did you ever see a weaker kid get bullied in school and then everybody bullies him to avoid being picked on themselves?  Sometimes the kid getting bullied gets stronger by the following year and then starts bulling a weaker kid because that's what happened to him the year before.  Or have you ever had a so-called friend or family member that shoots down a good idea of yours related to one of your pursuits in life, because she or he does not want you to possibly surpass them?  

Chances are you had or still do have someone like that around you.  These kinds of people can be significant stumbling blocks for growth and overall happiness.  The very way you think and behave can be severely affected by these people.  Just think if you believe half the nonsense negative folk bring your way, there will all kinds of opportunities and chances you'll miss due to this faulty mind set.

There are only two constructive ways to deal with these kinds of folks: One, is to hold them accountable and tell them about themselves.  This is the long way, but you might actually save some people.  If the relationship is worth it to you, confronting them every time they come at you sideways might teach them over time on how to be a better person.  Or, they will simply stop talking to you because you held them accountable.  Which kills two birds with one stone, you got rid of that person in your life and let them know how you felt.

The short way is to cut all ties immediately.  This would be for people you know aren't going to change or with so called friends who you can simply do without.   The logic behind this is life is much too short to try and teach grown folks how to treat you.  That's something we should have picked up long ago, so why would I want to waste my time teaching someone who doesn't want to learn, how to be respectful or to be a friend.  You should cut your ties with folk like these and find people who already know how to be a friend.  Surround yourself with people who are going to support you in life, not hinder you.

I had a friend in recovery tell me one time how selfish you have to be to actually recover.  He surrounded himself with sober and helpful people not just to be nice, but for himself.  He knew if he put himself with his old friends, in his old neighborhood, that it wouldn't be long before he used again.  He tells his story and lectures recovering addicts not just because he likes to help people, but ultimately because he wants to help himself.  He used to say the only way he can keep what he has is by giving it away.

I think in one way or another, we're all recovering from something in life.  Loss of a parent, lover, job or friend, we all know what it is like to lose someone or something important to us. Isn't wise to surround ourselves with people that will help us in our time of need? Don't we deserve to have people in our lives that will help us back up when we fall and not kick us when were down?  I think the obvious answer is yes we do!  Life is far too short to have negative people around us and let them help destroy our dreams and opportunities.  Cut them off now, before it's too late!

What do you think?  Is Truth being too harsh?  Do you put up with negative people around you or cut them off?  Let me know.

Dealing with the inevitable: Part 1

Life is short, not long as Chris Rock once joked.  Even for those who make many mistakes and survive them, they spend the rest of their lives wishing there was a time machine available.  So, they could go back in time and change a few things.  If life were long as Rock suggested, then we would have no regrets, since there would always be time to change or make up for our mistakes. Unfortunately, at least for me that has not been the case.  

Nothing brings home the point of having minimal time in life like death.  When people close to you die or begin to get sick and start their decline headed towards death, ones own mortality quickly comes to mind.  Realizing there will be a day when the world spins and I no longer will be among the living is always difficult for me to picture.  As human beings, I just don't believe were programmed to think that way. Don't get me wrong, I mean we all know that our death is inevitable, but we seem to push that fact to a difficult to reach spot in our minds.  Maybe it's an adaptive characteristic of our species, considering if we thought about death all the time, we'd be too depressed to do anything constructive.  Or maybe American culture, which does not like to confront difficult issues, has taught us not to talk about it.  "We'll cross that bridge, when we get there," seems to be how American culture deals with death.

I think that's tragic, because if we all really rationalized from a young age our inevitable date with death, we wouldn't waste as much time.  More people would be willing to confront their anxieties, shame, guilt and anger, because they would truly realize that time waits for none of us.

For much of my youth and early adulthood, I wasted most of time being angry.  I spent a lot of energy on this usually unproductive emotion.  It would have served me better to face the true source of my anger, which happened to be me and deal with it.  Instead, I avoided it and missed many opportunities that were there for the taking. My anger distorted my sight and more than anything it affected the way I thought and consequently, the way I behaved.

Now with my mother facing an illness, I realize how much time I wasted.  The idea of losing the person who has been in your corner since birth, is a scary proposition. As of right now, she's only a phone call away, but ultimately all that I will have is the photographs and memories.  It seems crazy that the only way I'll be able to visit her in the future is going to a cemetery and praying at her grave stone.

Yet, this is the inevitable I wish I had been more cognizant of twenty years ago. But, I can't focus on that now, all I can do is be in the moment.  That from this day forward I won't make the same mistakes I did in the past.  I won't avoid my problems but face them head up.  I won't give a fuck what the world thinks of me, because how others view me means nothing.  As long as I'm living an honest, balanced life and not trying to hurt folks, I could give a fuck less about anyone who wishes me ill will.

We only have a limited amount time on this earth, so I suggest you spend it with the people you love and who love you back.  Spend it chasing your dreams and building something for those who will follow.  

We don't have a choice of being born or when we'll die, but everything we do in between is on us.  If you haven't already, I suggest you start appreciating life and doing what you desire today.  Time is already running out.

Bloods and Crips, in the UK?

The influence American culture has on the world should never be underestimated.  If one needs evidence for such a statement, read this article here from the UK.

After reading this article, it brought to mind a funny story from my younger days.  I used work with a friend of mine back in high school, who went to school in the Minneapolis district.  He was a recent transplant from Louisiana, so he had an interesting point view on life in the Upper Midwest.  

Anyway, my friend, lets call him "Derrick," went to a high school that had a sizable gang representation in the school's student population.  He wasn't in one, but he was no fool, so he knew what was going on.  Well, the school invited rapper Ice-T to come talk to the students about the perils of entering into gang life.  From what Derrick said, Ice - T did that and more.

He made it known right away that he couldn't care less about the camera's that were there, he came to tell it like it is.  Ice-T basically called the gangbangers in Minnesota stupid. He said they were representing gangs and streets in LA that they had never been to or seen.  

Derrick gleefully told me his favorite parts of the story.  The first one was when Ice-T asked this rhetorical questions, "How much sense does it make for someone to call himself a Minneapolis Crip?"  Then Ice-T said, "How much sense does it make for someone to call himself a Saint Paul Blood?"  Derrick said most students in the audience laughed and agreed with Ice - T.  He also said that cats in LA were laughing at the gang members here, they thought the idea of Minnesota Bloods and Crips was a good joke.

Derrick's second favorite part was the rebuttal by some of the gang members in the audience. Apparently, Ice - T stated the main motivation for some of these guys to bang was impressing girls.  One gang member loudly stated, "I'm not trying to impress no girls."  Ice - T quickly responded with, "Then you must be trying to impress the dudes."  According to Derrick, this self described gang member got out of his seat and started walking towards the stage to get at Ice - T.  Derrick gleefully stated, this was not a sincere attempt to get at Ice-T, because he brought three bodyguards with him.  According to Derrick, these guys were huge.  So the gang member got about half way to the stage, the bodyguards started heading to meet him and he came to his senses, turned around and went back to his seat.  This happened a number of times.  Gang members would get pissed off by Ice-T's comments and then would make a half hearted attempt to get at him, only to turn right back around when his bodyguards stepped up.  

Derrick stated that the gang members walked out about half way through Ice-T's talk.  But, Derrick thought the whole thing was hilarious. He definitely sided with Ice-T's assessment that there should be no such thing as a Minneapolis Crip or a Saint Paul Blood.

Which brings us back to the initial article, that these London youth are claiming allegiance to LA based gangs.   Honestly, I'm not outraged or even surprised by the story in the least bit. Maybe I'm just becoming numb from all that I have seen in life, but the only thing interesting about this story is that it happened in the UK.  Don't get me wrong, its tragedy when anyone is murdered, but I've seen stories like these in my life probably hundreds, if not thousands of times.

Ice T's question to audience is an intriguing one though, when you really think about it.  He's questioning the legitimacy of gangsters representing something they have no direct allegiance to.  I'm guessing, no one in Minneapolis at that time, had any contacts in LA, so why pick an LA gang to represent?

The answer to the question is there are lost youth all across globe.  Whether it's Bloods and Crips in America or the UK, Or skinhead computer hackers in Russia, there are youth searching for something to be a part of.  Usually, they come from dysfunctional homes where there was no sense of belonging, comfort or safety, so they link with other youth just like them.  Next, they turn their rage on the enemy gang or race, depending on what they're claiming.  

Ice - T asked what sense does it make for someone to call himself a Minnesota Crip?  One can only wonder how he would respond to UK Bloods and Crips.

What you think about UK youth claiming allegiance to Bloods and Crips? Is this a sign of the apocalypse or just part of a natural gang expansion?  Let me know.

Are Blacks second class in reality or in their own minds?

Reading through many different online news sites, I came across this article from the Ohio State University student body newspaper.  

The associate Professor of Law at Moritz College of Law, Michelle Alexander states that today's war on drugs and racial incarceration is apart of America maintaining a racial caste system.  She compares it to Jim Crow,  saying that the justice system today has racialized social control.

She points out being a felon means it will almost be impossible to get a job.  Recently released prisoners go back into same community they came from, with no new legal skills to contribute. Which means more than likely they are going to return to what got them thrown in prison initially. 

Michelle Alexander also claims that African Americans are subject to control by the media's negative perception of them.  Black men are automatically assumed to be criminals and by racial profiling all of them, you humiliate many who have never broken the law.

In my opinion, some of things Ms. Alexander says are true, but this seems to me to be an old argument.  This is something you would have heard in the early to mid nineties.  It also misses the point of dealing with our own maladaptive behaviors.  The idea that just by changing laws, the incarceration rates will dramatically decrease I think is inaccurate.  Sure there will be drop off, but just because the law was changed doesn't mean behaviors will.

Don't get wrong, I think some of the drug laws are ridiculous.  Yet, what people forget is addictive and criminal behavior generally feed one another.  That means if you commit a crime, that same thinking could lead you to use alcohol or other drugs.  Or, If you use alcohol or other drugs, the thinking that influences you to do that can lead you to commit crimes.

Our folk have to deal with the thinking that leads to the negative behaviors, changing the laws will only have a minimal effect.  The core beliefs for many of our uneducated/lower class folk is part of the problem.  It's not to say that we all don't have thoughts from time to time that could be described as "criminal."  The difference being the majority of us don't act on those thoughts. Criminals do act on those thoughts when they have them.  

It's some of our folks maladaptive thinking/beliefs that explain their behavior. This is what they tell themselves to justify in their minds robbing, stealing, assaulting and using drugs despite the consequences they may face.

I think Ms. Alexander leaves out an important fact in the second class citizen statement.  The thinking/beliefs by some of our folk leads to second class behavior and therefore they are treated as such.

What do you think?  Is the war on drugs and racial incarceration apart of American maintaining a racial caste system or are they just enforcing the law?  Are Blacks treated second class or do some lower class/uneducated Blacks behave in that manner?  Let me know.